Shots of Madness
by Creshto
Summary: Chapter Six: Naruto's not sure he wants to be the Chosen One, Sakura finds his defeatist attitude disturbing,and Sai doesn't help the situation in the least. Luckily, Konohamaru is around to do a little dance.
1. Chapter 1: Sand Siblings

Hallo everyone! :D I'm Creshto, and I've decided that if I don't post something now, then I never will. So, I'm going to write a collection of one-shots. Original, right? I know.

~Chapter One: The Sand Siblings~

*By (Wussup, ya'll?) Creshto*

"Huh."

Temari continued whirling the kunai around her finger like the bad-ass Sand ninja that she was. "What is it, little brother?"

Kankuro blinked. "I don't remember this street being here. It must be new."

Temari and Gaara came to a complete stop, looking down the shallow street to which he referred . It was, in fact, new. New and strange. For one thing, Suna didn't have paved streets, and this one was most certainly paved. Secondly...well, it was just not right, okay? Does there have to be another reason?

It was running off somewhere into the desert.

"Memory Lane?" Gaara read the street sign with an arched eyebrow that he conjured via eyebrow-jutsu. "How unusual."

"Unusual indeed, Gaara-san...So, should we find out where it leads then?" Temari suggested.

"Shouldn't we be a little more concerned that it's a trap or something? You know, maybe a genjutsu from the Akatsuki trying to lure us into-"

Gaara whipped out his Kazekage hat and shoved it in Kankuro's face. "I'm Kazekage and that means you have to do as I say. So I demand that we disregard any logical precautions and walk down this random street."

"But we might get killed-!"

"Good idea, Gaara. Let's go!" Temari happily agreed. She and Gaara started strolling down Memory Lane. Kankuro was left behind to gape.

"But...but...Wait for me!"

And thus, the three sand siblings, Gaara, Kankuro, and Temari, sealed their fate with a badly tied bow. Oblivious to the scary theme music suddenly playing overhead, they continued careening further and further into another dimension. It was a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. They were moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. They have just crossed into...well, not the Twilight Zone, but something sort of, in an oblique, not-at-all-the-same kind of way, similar.

"Hey, look at that." Temari pointed in some random direction. They others looked, but they saw nothing.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Then why'd you point?"

"I don't know. Why'd you spew out of mom's uterus?"

Gaara smirked. "Burn."

Kankuro just got burned. Which made him angry.

"Well, why'd you...! Um..." He wasn't all that good at comebacks. Temari pat him on the head.

"It's okay, little brother. Gaara can't come up with good insults either."

Gaara was sad now, too. "I can insult people..."

"Hey, look at that!" Temari pointed in another random direction. Neither Gaara nor Kankuro looked. They crossed their arms and huffed.

"We're not falling for that again." Kankuro said, even though he was the only one to fall for it the first time.

"No, seriously! Look!"

Well, she did sound sincere that time. Compelled by her convincing "seriously", her brothers looked. And what do you know? There was actually something there.

"That's surprising!" Kankuro said.

"Yes. Yes, it is," Gaara agreed. "I like the colors. And the shape."

"As do I." Temari nodded, and they continued on their way.

...You wanna know what it was they were looking at, don't you? Well, too bad.

Anyway, they kept walkin'. Then, unexpectedly, something appeared before them in the form of a trampoline! In fact, it WAS a trampoline! Yes! The Sand Siblings discovered a trampoline. In the middle of the desert. On a strange road that did not previously exist.

"Wow! A trampoline!" Temari exclaimed. "I've always wanted one. Kankuro, do you remember when we asked father for one and he said we would have to choose between the trampoline and a demonic little sibling that would ultimately scar us psychologically and emotionally for the rest of our lives?"

"Yeah. That was one hell of a choice," Kankuro agreed. He turned to Gaara and said, "Took us weeks to finally decided. In the end, we went with the trampoline."

"But dad impregnated mother anyway." Temari sighed wistfully. "What can you do, right?"

Gaara was more than a little distressed by this news. He was the reason his siblings never had a trampoline? Obviously, Gaara was much more of a burden than he thought. He would have to go on another murderous rampage to reestablish the purpose of his existence. Later. Right now, something was compelling him to bounce merrily like a spoiled child.

"As Kazekage, I must go first."

"That seems fair. I guess." Temari mumbled sadly, but she was feeling strangely... jealous.

"Fair. And yet I am offended." Kankuro watched helplessly as his younger (and much more powerful) brother climbed on first. Gaara started jumping. Then he started jumping higher. Kankuro got antsy. "I wanna go, I wanna go!" He whined, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Why he was suddenly unable to control his emotions, he was unsure. All he knew was that he wanted a turn. "Gaara, you're taking too long! I'm gonna tell!"

"No!" Gaara said. "My trampoline!"

"That's not fair!" Temari stomped her foot and started climbing on the trampoline anyway. Gaara growled and protested but she was already up there. Kankuro climbed up, too. Hell if he'd be left out. "It's not just yours, Gaara. Don't be such a brat!"

Gaara was offended. "I am not a brat." In protest of his sisters cruel name-calling, he sat firmly on the trampoline in hopes that it would stop the others from jumping as well. They didn't stop. They kept jumping and it was making Gaara bounce up and down annoyingly. He got mad. "I order you both to _stop jumping_. I'm the Kazekage and you have to do what I say."

"No, we don't! No, we don't!" Kankuro chanted as he continued to jump around his younger brother. "'Cos we're bigger than you!"

"The village put me in charge!" Gaara seethed through his teeth.

"We're bigger." Temari repeated Kankuro's earlier argument and they started teasingly jumping around him in a circle."

"We a-are big-er! We a-are big-er!" They laughed together. "You're too short to be Kazekage!"

"I am not!" Gaara pouted, crossing his arms and standing up (with just a bit of difficulty because his siblings were still bouncing.) With as much dignity as he could muster, Gaara climbed down from the trampoline, only to develop a sudden and extreme wave of nausea. He dropped onto his knees and held his head.

"Gaara!" Temari and Kankuro stopped what they were doing and jumped down. But upon touching the floor, they, too, felt sick. "Ohhh..."

Gaara groaned under his breath and shut his eyes tight. "What the hell just happened?"

"Ugh." Temari didn't sound too good. "I've no idea."

Kankuro, Temari, and Gaara curiously, nervously turned their eyes on the trampoline. It remained still and omnipotent. Unnaturally, it crowded the pavement of Memory Lane, stranded out in the desert like some dark and magical force. The second they got on that thing, or even near it, it was like some invisible hand was dragging them in, sucking out their maturity until they were nothing but bratty, snot-nosed shells of their former selves. It was horrifying. It was evil! It was-!

"I'm gettin' back on!" Kankuro leapt back onto that devil trampoline like it was nobody's business. Gaara and Temari scrambled behind.

"I'm jumping first!"

"No _way_."

"I'm already up here! Hahaha!"

And those crazy siblings jumped until the sand-cows came home.

The moral of the story: never underestimate the power of a trampoline.


	2. Chapter 2: Team Gai

~Chapter Two: Team Gai~

*By (The saga continues!) Creshto*

A quiet Monday morning in the Hidden Leaf village. Team Gai was finishing up their preperation for a mission to Suna. A mission that they wouldn't actually go on until the following Thursday. They liked to practice early planning. (Their preparitory skill is the reason none of them are pregnant yet. See that? Take a lesson from these freaks. Always carry a condom.)

Anyway, they were very nearly done.

"Did you sharpen that random pointy weapon like I asked, Lee?"

"Of course, Tenten-chan!"

"Great. Do me a favor and toss it into the pile with all the others."

"Will do!"

He grabbed the thing by the...hilt, or the handle, or whatever and chucked it into a stack of other sharp metal objects sitting in the corner. "Neji!"

"What?" Neji yelled from the bathroom across the hall.

"What's taking you?"

"Some of us care about the state of our pores, Tenten. I have to exfoliate."

"Well, hurry the hell up! I wanna get done here so we can go get something to eat!"

"Neji-kun, do you know where my toothbrush is?" Lee asked, scouring through a heap of junk piled on Tenten's bed. "I can't find it."

"I packed it already. It's in my bag."

"Why do you always pack my toothbrush in with your stuff?"

"Because you always end up taking it out of your bag last minute and forgetting to put it back in. Then you steal MY toothbrush, and I hate having the taste of your cinnamon toothpaste in my mouth every morning, noon, and night. It's gross. Not to mention unsanitary."

"It's the best toothpaste this side of the Fire Nation, and you know it!"

"I like mint."

"That is because you are weak! Real men prefer cinnamon!"

Neji crossed the hall and stood in the doorway with a straightening iron in one hand, a can of hairspray in the other, and a mud mask on his face. "Everyone with eyes can tell I'm manlier than you."

"Just stop the fighting, Lee." Tenten said. Lee hung his head and sighed. "Now hand me that bag over there." Neji went into the bathroom again with a smirk, but not that much of a smirk because moving his lips too much might crack his mask.

"Uh oh."

"Something wrong, youthful blossom?"

"I sense a disturbance..." She trailed off, staring blindly ahead.

Lee's eyes doubled in size. "I...I am sorry?" Tenten didn't respond. Lee then proceeded to freak out. Epically. "N-Neji-kun! I think I need you to buffer an otherwise embarrassing situation for me unto yourself!"

"What?" Neji walked in, wiping the muck off his face with a towel and being uncharacteristically oblivious. He took one look at Tenten and froze. He knew that face.

"I'll be right back." She stood up and vanished into the bathroom. Lee and Neji were left to comfort each other because they knew that the week to come would be filled with chocolate binges and strange bouts of crying.

"I want you to know, Neji-kun, that I love you like a brother, but given the opportunity, I will not hesitate to throw you in the line of fire."

"Agreed. All for one."

Tenten called from the bathroom, "Um...hey, guys?"

"Answer her."

"No, you answer her!"

She poked her head in and _smiled_.

"Guys, I need you to go pick me up some tampons."

...

Lee and Neji were standing outside the local CVS pharmacy.

"Go ahead. I'm right behind you." Neji didn't once tear his eyes from the satanic building.

"After you, Neji-kun." And neither did Lee.

"Lady's first, _Lee-kun_."

"Age before beauty, _Neji-kun_."

_"For God's sake, will one of you stop being a pussy and get me my goddamn tampons!" _

Neji and Lee cringed together as Tenten's voice somehow managed to carry _all the way _from her house to the CVS pharmacy. Which was across the street. They cowered at the sight of her face glowering from the bathroom window.

"N-Neji-kun-!"

"I know, Lee. I'm scared, too." They held each other for dear life. Until they realized that they were sworn rivals and holding each other was kind of gay.

"So...maybe we should just go in together. At the same time."

"Yeah. Yeah, that's a good plan," Neji agreed. "We'll go on three."

"One..."

"Two..."

"...Three!"

In the blink of an eye, they took off in the other direction. Teeth clenched and growling, they raced shoulder to shoulder, trying to ram each other off the road. "You go in! You are the man!"

"You're a man, too, idiot!" Neji sneered.

"So you admit it!"

"I never denied it once!"

"Did so!"

"Did not!"

"Let us have a test then!" Lee declared. They both stopped very abruptly. So abruptly, in fact, that the force of their combined halt sent a powerful gust of wind into a small group of children, hurling one of them into the atmosphere. The other kids were flabbergasted. "We will have an all-out battle of epic proportions to finally decide which one of us is the manliest of team Gai! Loser buys Tenten's woman products!"

"Deal!" Neji agreed _all _too quickly.

"OnetwothreeGO!" They took off again, and the force of their extreme manliness sent yet another gust of wind into the remaining group of children, launching them into the atmosphere as well.

Lee and Neji found themselves in the center of town by the time they actually started fighting because, well, why not? Crowds of citizens panicked and scrambled around like ants. "Lee! Stop running so I can hit you!"

"Stop trying to hit me so I can stop running!"

Neji finally managed to land a punch on Lee's shoulder, which was apparently fairly powerful because it sent Lee careening into a building that promptly collapsed. Lee came out unscathed. He is, after all, a main character , and they never get hurt until the climax of the fight. So, he jumped up and kicked Neji in the stomach. Neji crashed into a fruit cart and skid into a building. Which also promptly collapsed.

Obviously the citizens of Konoha didn't feel it necessary to reinforce their buildings against anything so shocking as a ninja attack.

"I'm going to unleash my awesome Hyuuga-battle-mode skills on you."

"And I'm going to be afraid in order to make this fight scene seem more realistic! Or something!"

"Here I go!" Neji did something awesome.

"Ahhhoahh! I'm afraid!" Lee was afraid.

Neji launched his awesome attack thing at Lee, but he missed because he forgot to turn on his Byakugan in the heat of the moment. He downed another shop instead. It was reduced to a smoldering pile of rubble with a tiny flame in the middle for dramatic effect. Lee laughed. Also for dramatic effect.

"Ha! Ha! Ha! Your attack failed, pathetic Neji-kun!"

Some woman screamed. Dramatically.

"You're the one who's pathetic, Lee! Let's end this!"

"Yes! Let us end this!"

"I _just _said that."

"I know. I just repeated what you said to annoy you. And it worked!"

Damn, he was right. And now Neji was annoyed. Quite annoyed, indeed. So he pulled out his gun!

"Neji-kun! Ninja do not use guns! Guns kill people!"

"No! _People _kill people!"

Without giving him a moment to process that very true and thought-provoking sentiment, Neji started shooting blindly in Lee's direction. Which forced Lee open the first six gates. "Fine then! I shall retaliate by doing the exact same thing! But with slightly more gusto!" Lee somehow found a bazooka amidst all the gunfire and destruction. He also started firing blindly in Neji's direction. Neji, feeling emasculated, picked up a second, even bigger bazooka which was placed strategically on the floor by his feet.

The battle to follow was so epic, I mustn't write about it lest you die of over-expositor to said epic...ness.

All you need to know is that the destruction was magnificent. It appeared that no building was left standing.

Neji and Lee stood panting, out of firepower and chakra and testosterone and whatever else they could've used to prove their manliness. "Neji-kun." Lee said, still attempting to catch his breath after their battle royal. "I...I think I may have messed up my hair."

"As have I."

"Shall we call this a truce?"

"Yes."

"To the salon, then?"

"Of course."

Neji and Lee, having formed a mutual alliance over the tussled state of their hair, gaily made their way to the salon. Which was destroyed. "What in the world happed to the salon?"

"I've no idea." Neji growled. "But whoever did this will pay."

"It was you, you morons!" Tenten snapped. Somehow, I suppose, she knew exactly where to find her boys. And she magically appeared there. Hurraaaay. "You've demolished all of Konoha!"

"Ohhh..." Lee sucked air through his teeth, wincing embarrassedly. "Our bad."

"You know what, Lee? We _may _have gone a little overboard." Neji said.

"Gee, yah _think_?" Tenten was not a happy Tenten.

"Our youthful enthusiasm must have clouded our judgment, dearest Tenten. We are sorry." Lee's head fell in _shame_. Shameful shame. "So, I suppose this means that we cannot purchase your... _tampons_ now."

"Oh, no. You're still buying me the tampons."

Neji and Lee exchanged very frightened looks. "But...but I thought you said we destroyed all of Konoha!"

"Not the CVS." She grinned evilly. "It's the only building left standing."

"God damn." Neji pinched the bridge of his nose. Tenten grabbed his ear, and then Lee's ear, and she dragged them both into the CVS.

"Both of you pick up a box of tampax."

"But-"

"_A box of tampax, I say_!"

"Okay!"

Lee bit his lip. "Um. Regular, super, or-"

"Super." Tenten said. "I have a heavy flow."

"Dear lord."

"_Do it_!"

She dragged them both to the counter where they placed their two boxes on the counter, red faced and fidgeting. Tenten still had their ears, which hurt, but they didn't complain because, you know, they're manly men and manly men didn't complain. "That'll be fifteen dollars and ninety-five cents."

"That seems a little much-"

"Pay the man, Neji."

"Why doesn't Lee-"

"Pay. The man. Neji."

"Yes, Tenten-chan."

"Now, Lee, take the bag."

Lee took the bag without argument. He was very, very uncomfortable.

"Now let's go back to what remains of my house. And go get something to eat."

"Yes, Tenten-chan," The boys said in unison.

They walked out of the CVS, which was a devil store, and noticed the entire population of Konoha congregated, for reasons unknown to anyone of any importance, in front of the store. Naruto turned around and gasped. Neji and Lee tried to hide, but Tenten held stead-fast on their ears. "Look! Neji and Lee just bought tampons!"

Every man within a two mile radius, including corpses (and lemme tell you, there were corpses aplenty), pointed and laughed.

You would think they'd be a little more concerned with the state of their village, but no.

Gai appeared suddenly. Where he's been during this episode is a mystery and no one cares anyway. He stood over his kids and shook his head. "My students. Tsk, tsk, tsk. I thought you two were men."

"Gai-sensei," Tenten looked up and her brown eyes turned red. "You're next."

_CRESHTO: I'm...I'm sorry. I honestly don't know what the was going through my head here. I...I'm just gonna go sit in the corner now. Yeah. RevieworIwilldie!_


	3. Chapter 3: Team Asuma

CRESHTO: Maaah, I'm not getting many reviews. I'm starting to think I should discontinue this little series of mine... How very, very depressing. I mean, seriously! I'm gettin' discouraged here!

Master Solo, dumplingdoo, Shekiah Rosay, and Sonar: I dedicate this chapter to you! Because I loves you for living. :3

~Chapter Three: Team 10~

*By (What's my name again?) Creshto*

Chouji was flippin' shit. He wouldn't be able to enjoy solid foods for, like, three days or something. That's _bad_. He would surely die.

"Choji. _Choji_, put down the...how are you managing to work four sets of chopsticks at once? Never mind, I don't care. Put them down."

"He can't, Ino." Shikamaru yawned and dug a finger in his ear. "He's flippin' shit."

"...What?"

"Flippin' shit."

"Shikamaru, what does that even _mean_?"

"He's getting his wisdom teeth out tomorrow."

"Oh." Ino didn't really care. "Choji, stop being such a baby. And stop eating! Save some food for the rest of the population!" She snatched the chopsticks and chucked them out the nearest window. Then a cop knocked on the door and gave her a ticket. Remember kids, littering is wrong. "Anyway, what's the big deal?"

"It's gonna hurt!" Choji cringed, slapping his hands to his cheeks where the pain was soon to be. "Ohhh...I hate the dentist. And I'm not gonna be able to eat anything good for _days_."

"Tsk, come on. It can't be that bad." Ino scoffed. Of course, her teeth were perfect. She'd never even needed a filling, so what the hell does she know?

"It _is _that bad, Ino-chan." Choji whined. "Shikamaru-kun, will you comfort me?"

"Hm?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Que?"

"Shut up!" Ino was mad. She didn't care much for her teammates antics so she punched them both in the head with aaaall the strength she could muster. Don' t worry, though. They came out miraculously unscathed. "If it's that big of a deal to you, then why don't you just go talk to someone that's already had the procedure? Let _them _tell you what to expect. _And stop eating_!"

"Hm. That's not a bad idea," Shikamaru said.

"Yeah." Choji agreed. It was like his job to agree with Shikamaru. "So who do we go to?"

"I know Shino had it done."

"He's on a mission."

"Oh." Ino thought again. "Then what about Tenten?"

"Tenten?" Choji and Shikamaru gave her a look.

"Yeah. She's the only other one I can think of. What's wrong with her?"

"She's a member of Team One."

"So?"

"All the guys on that team (except their sensei) are embarrassingly un-manly. Neji and Lee are a disgrace to their gender. Oh, and Tenten's on her period."

"How the hell do you know that?"

"Where were you when Neji and Lee were buying that box of tampons yesterday? They downed the whole village."

"They did not. Konoha's fine."

"NOW it is. We restored it."

"In one day?"

"Yes."

So, they had a long discussion of the impossibilities of such a phenomenon actually occurring, and Ino's poor blonde mind exploded from the faulty logic of it all. "Whatever. When's your appointment, Choji?"

He looked at his watch. A watch he just started wearing only seconds before. "Right now."

"Now?"

"Right now!" Choji grabbed Ino's wrist, and Shikamaru's hair, and shunshin no jutsu'd them straight into the tiny operating room at the dentist's office. One of the assistants helped him into his chair, slipped one of those oxygen tube things up his nose, and clamped some scary looking heart-monitor things onto his fingers. "Oh my God! They're going to kill me! Shikamaru, comfort me!"

Shikamaru yawned, slumped in the dentists rolly-chair and started nodding off to sleep. "Wha-?"

"What?"

"...Huh?"

"Pardon?"

"Shut! Up!" Ino didn't want to hear that again. "Choji, the chances of you dying are...what are the chances of him dying, Shikamaru?"

"Slim. Very slim. I assume."

"Sign this waiver, please." An assistant shoved a clipboard in Choji's face. He signed it with a flourish, then read over all the horrible, crippling things that could happen to him if something went wrong. And let me tell you, there were many. Oh, yeah. Many terrible, terrible things.

"I don't want to die! I'm too young! There are too many places I haven't seen! Too many foods I haven't tasted!"

"You're not going to die!"

The dentist walked in. His coat was covered in blood and his rubber gloves were...also covered in blood. He took them off and slipped on new ones. "Alright, let's get this over with." He shoved a needle into Choji's arm none-too gently. "I warn you. My wife just told me she wants a divorce, so I'm pretty damned distracted. Oh, and I'm a little drunk."

That only comforted Choji a little.

"We'll see you when you're done!" Ino said, and Choji immediately fell dead asleep.

"Hm? What are you two kids doing in here? And why are you sitting in my chair?"

"We're here as emotional support." Shikamaru answered in a half-sleep. "And I'm in your chair because...I'm Shikamaru."

"Oh. Yes, of course. Hand me that pointy thing, will you?"

Shikamaru turned around and grabbed an _instrument_ from a tray. "This one?"

"...Yeah, whatever." He took the pointy thing and crammed it into Choji's mouth.

"So what'd you give him to knock him out?" Ino asked, studying the random dental-related posters.

"Drugs. Lot's and lot's of drugs." The dentist said. "I gave him a heavy dosage since you ninja's are usually pretty immune to regular local anesthetics. I upped it a little more after that 'cause he's such a _big_ fellah."

"Actually, Choji's pretty sensitive to all types of anesthetics. He didn't get much resistance training in that area."

The dentist pulled his head out of Choji's mouth long enough to look mildly thoughtful. "Oh." He gave his patient a quick cursory sweep. He was one knocked out shinobi. "Well...I'm sure he'll be fine."

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER!

"Oy. Choji, wake up." Shikamaru poked Choji, who was now laying in a recovery room, in the arm with a finger. It was as equally cramped and unwelcoming as the operating room. Ino was standing on one side of his bed, Shikamaru on the other. They were leaning curiously over Choji's limp, semi-conscious body and marveling at his very hilariously swollen cheeks.

Choji started to stir. "Hwah. Ee-o? Shicka-aroo? Hallooooo!"

"Hey, buddy. How you feeling?"

"So..._so_ nice." Choji slurred his words and his eyes wouldn't fully open. They looked all glassy and junk, as though he were off somewhere in la-la land. Despite the bloody gauze stuffed in his cheeks, Choji started to grin. Like an idiot. He said something that sounded like (when translated), "Everything is sooo nice! Ha ha ha!"

That's when Shikamaru and Ino came to the realization that their teammate was high.

Now, any good friends would've taken him home, put him to bed, and let him sleep this off. Best friends, however, would not. They'd, more likely than not, mess with Choji's head. And since Shikamaru, Ino, and Choji were the best kinds of best friends that could possibly exist...

"Choji-kun...The operation is over." Ino cooed.

"Oh, really?" Choji continued to slur. He couldn't seem to focus on any one spot for very long. "I'm alive! Yaaaay!"

"Yes, you're alive. But what's this?" She gasped. "Uh-oh."

"What? What!" Choji was flippin' shit again. Ino was scaring him. Hence the shit flippin'.

"Oh, man." Shikamaru said. "I don't like the look of that spiral on your cheek, Choji."

Choji's eyes bulged. "Wha? My spiral?"

"It doesn't look good."

"But...but I've always had spirals!" Choji said, and then he said it again because he couldn't remember if he said it the first time and he just wanted to be sure. Ino and Shikamaru looked highly concerned and it was _freaking him out_! How tragic! Only seconds ago, everything had been so nice!

"No," Ino said, "No, these definitely look new to me. And bad. Real, real bad."

"Oh God," Choji cried, distress clouding his vision. The whole world was reeling and his head felt light. Also, he couldn't find his hands. Where are his hands-! Oh, there they are. Phew. Um, what were they talking about? Oh right. His doom. "I knew...I knew I was going to die!"

Ino had to double-check with Shikamaru to make sure Choji hadn't just said "I threw him going to pie," because Choji's words were so garbled, and that did sound like something he would say.

"Um...Right. But don't worry, Choji-kun! We might be able to save you!"

Shikamaru whipped out a his ninja cellphone and started filming. Because that's what any true best friend would do. "Youtube, here we come."

"If you want to live, Choji, you have to stand up."

"Okay." Choji struggled like hell. It was very amusing to watch. Finally, after many hardships, he made it- oh, no, he fell back down again. But then he got back up! "Now what, Ino-chan? Am I cured?"

"Not yet. Now you have to do the Chicken Dance."

Choji was confused. The whole room was being turned on some weird angle, and now he had to do the Chicken Dance. He started flapping his wings.

"You're gonna fall over, buddy." Shikamaru caught Choji's arm and righted him. He continued to film and Choji continued to dance.

"Now stop!" Ino ordered and Choji basically flailed in surprise. He started to notice now that his face was completely numb. Maybe that's why he couldn't feel the dreaded swirl! "Spin around three times!"

Choji whimpered a little, but complied. He teetered and tottered but managed to spin once! Twice! Three times! "Am I better now?"

"Pelvic thrust, Choji!"

"What are you kids doing in here?" The dentist spontaneously appeared. Shikamaru stopped filming and tried to casually hide his phone behind his leg.

"I'm gonnna die 'cos of you!" Choji pointed accusingly at the man. "Look 't me! I'm _hideous_!"

Ino twirled her hair abashedly. "We're doing...nothing."

"Were you just making this poor, poor soul do the ridiculous dance moves from the 70's?" He yelled, leading Choji back onto the bed. "For shame, you two! He's just undergone minor surgery!"

Ino and Shikamaru felt ashamed. Perhaps they _had_ been abusing their poor Choji-kun a little. "But...we're his best friends."

"Oh." The dentist said. "Well, that changes everything then." He noticed the phone in Shikamaru's hand. "You have a video? Let me see!"

Shikamaru blinked and played the thing. They all had a good laugh. "That's classic! Did you put it on Youtube?"

"Just did."

"Ten thousand hits already? Daaaamn." Yep. They were going to be Youtube legends. Even more popular than the 'Charley bit me,' kid. The dentist stayed for like thirty more seconds, contributing nothing of interest to life or the universe as we know it before he said, "Welp! I'm gonna go. See you in a week!"

Ino and Shikamaru looked up.

"For _what_?"

"Your parents just called. They made you both appointments to have your wisdom teeth out as well. Said it'd build character." The man stared... "See yah!" Then he left.

...

"Oh."

"Is that all you're going to say?" Ino was angry now. Angry as a bull. Or...a wild boar (HA! I made a funny). "You're not even going to say, 'troublesome', shove your hands in your pockets, and go look up at some clouds like you usually do? Where the hell is your _consistency_, Shikamaru?"

"It's too much of a bother to pronounce three syllable words. My hands take too much effort to move. And the clouds are all the way outside."

"Guys? Guys, I think the ceiling is laughing at me." Choji was still out of it so everyone ignored him.

Thirty minutes later, Ino and Shikamaru were sitting on the end of Choji's bed, stewing in their own bad fortune and sleeping respectively, when Choji started coming to. For real this time.

He sat up, rubbed his cheeks, which were beginning to feel quite sore, and winced. He could clearly remember the crap his teammates had just pulled. And Oh God. He was on Youtube.

How many hits did it have _now_? It was probably a lot.

"Well..." he sighed, "this sucks."


	4. Chapter 4: Team Kurenai

~Chapter Four: Team 8~

*By (Why are my socks wet?) Creshto*

"Shino!" Kiba and Hinata were backed up against a wall of rock, completely screwed. They were panting, cut up, bleeding, and facing off ten- no, twenty! enemy shinobi at once. They weren't being attacked yet because that would render the plot ineffectual, but you can sure as hell bet those enemy shinobi were looking pretty close to doing something violent. Maybe. So, yeah. Kiba and Hinata were in deep. "Shino, what the hell are you doing? We need help!"

"I'm sorry." Shino crossed his arms. "Did you say something? Because I am certain that I didn't hear it."

"Yes! Yes, I do believe I did!"

"Shino-kun, please!"

"No, Hinata-chan, I don't think I will."

Hinata frowned and let her arms fall. Kiba, too, dropped his defensive position. Akamaru whined. "Take five, guys." Kiba slapped one of their enemies on the back.

"But we're in the middle of a battle to the death."

"Can't you see my teammate is pouting?" Kiba yelled irritably. "I think that's a little more important!"

"Honestly." Hinata shook her head in shame for the man. The nameless ninja shuffled uncomfortably.

"Sorry."

She smiled. "It's alright. We'll be back to kill you all in a little while."

Kiba hopped up on Akamaru's back (because despite being a ninja, he doesn't much care for walking) and rode him to the tree Shino was standing in about six feet away. Hinata followed because she's Hinata.

"Alright, man. We're here. What is it this time?"

Shino ruffled indignantly. "What's wrong? The only time you ever pay attention to me is when you need my help in battle."

Kiba puh-shawed. "Pfft- that's not true, and you know it. Stop sulking and get over it."

"No, it is true." Shino refused to relent. A bug crawled across his face and no one cared enough to mention it. "You treat me like I don't exist. Sometimes you even cut me off before I finish speak-"

"Hinata, what time is it? We've got a schedule to keep."

"6:12 p.m., Kiba-kun."

"That is precisely what I am talking about."

"Oh, cool yer jets, bug-face! That was just a joke."

Shino did not seem amused.

"Shino-kun, we're both very sorry you feel neglected," Hinata said, kicking some dirt abashedly with her sandal. "Aren't we, Kiba-kun?"

"I'm not-_uuf_!" Hinata elbowed him in his jewels. Her elbow-to-groin coordination was impeccable. "Yeah!" Kiba squeaked. "We're sorry!"

"Is there anything we can do to make it up to you so we can finish killing our enemies and go home?"

The enemy shinobi in the background, whom we'd almost forgotten about, started making random hooting noises behind her. "Yeah, give 'em a chance!" they seemed to be saying.

Shino considered it, thoughtfully stroking the collar of his jacket where his chin should be.

"What can you do? Well..." He paused for effect. "There is one thing."

"Anything." Hinata smiled.

"_Autumn to Spring_."

"...The soap opera? What about it?"

"It was cancelled."

"No! That was my favorite show!" A nameless ninja cried from the void.

"Mine as well. To appease my craving for poorly acted crap-television, I want you two to act out a dramatic improvisation for my amusement."

Kiba pulled a face that looked anything but pleased. "I've never done an improv before! What the hell should I do?"

"It's just acting, Kiba-kun," Hinata said timidly. "But without a skript. We make it up as we go. It might be fun."

"You're okay with this?"

"Of course." She tied her hair back in a bun. "Secretly, I've always wanted to be an actress."

"I must be sleeping." Kiba decided. "I'm dreaming- I'm dreaming everybody! Keep calm! I'm just gonna wake myself up!"

Whilst Kiba proceeded to physically pelt himself, Shino whipped out a director's chair and a megaphone. "Nameless ninjas' twelve and sixteen, please come over here and play the parts of the dead bodies."

Twelve and Sixteen obeyed like good nameless ninja. They took their places on the ground and were promptly killed by two rouge kunai, because honestly, who better than to play dead bodies than real dead bodies?

"Dead bodies for what?" Kiba asked suspiciously. He'd decided a while ago that he was, in fact, awake. He was stupid for ever thinking otherwise.

"Someone _always_ dies in a soap opera. They will be your props," Shino supplied. Hinata was already getting into character. What character, Kiba wasn't sure, but it was truly scaring him out of his wits. Akamaru nudged him with his abnormally large and wet dog nose.

"I know, Akamaru. I'm upset, too."

Akamaru barked.

"What do you mean you want a part?"

He barked again.

"A dressing room? You don't wear clothes!" Kiba snapped. "Don't you dare go all diva on me!"

Shino picked up his megaphone and pointed it in Kiba's face. "Quiet on the set."

The echo of his voice through that megaphone was so loud and obnoxious that Kiba had to bend over for a moment to fill a bucket with the blood pouring from his ears. "What the _hell_, man?"

"Actors on set."

Hinata dragged him about two feet to the left, which was apparently the stage. He stood up, thoroughly pissed and ready to kick Shino's ass for making him do this shit, but then suddenly somebody said "Action!" and Kiba froze. Solid.

So many eyes. Were watching him. And he had No. Idea. What to say.

Kiba started sweating bullets. He put a hand up to block the glaring white lights pointing right in his eyes. Why were their lights anyway? They were outside. And it was daytime! This is ridiculous!

How many people were watching him again?

Hinata was nudging him in the shoulder, urging him to say something. When did his tongue get so thick? "Uh...help?"

"Good idea, Kiba-kun," Hinata whispered. "Can someone suggest a setting?" Their audience jumped on the opportunity.

"Oh! Oh! A hospital!"

"No, bedroom! Bedroom!"

"The _Hokage's_ bedroom!"

Shino nodded. "The Hokage's bedroom, it is."

"What the hell would we be doing in Tsunade-sama's bedroom?" Kiba asked. His throat was feeling very dry. God, what kind of ninja got stage fright?

"You need to get your mission report before she reads it!" A random ninja flailed.

"Um...Okay." Kiba was in no state of mind to disagree with anything.

"Action!"

"Naruto-kun!" Hinata cried.

"What? Where?" Kiba spun around on himself. He didn't see Naruto anywhere.

"No, you're Naruto, Kiba-kun. I'm making that your character's name."

"What?" Kiba was flabbergasted and...rather creeped out. "Fine. Then, I'm naming your character Ino."

"Why?"

"She's hot."

Shino was growing impatient. His bugs were getting all rustled as they implored their host to provide for them the entertainment they so desperately craved! "Action, I said!"

"Naruto-kun!"

"Shush, Ino-chan! What if someone hears us?"

"I'm sorry. I'm just so nervous! What if she read It already?"

"Then…uh… she'll know about our secret relationship!" Kiba announced gravely. Their audience oh'd and ah'd at the scandal. It made Kiba feel a little more comfortable. And a little more daring. "I'm so sorry for writing it on there, Ino-chan. I don't know what I was thinking."

"I know." Hinata pressed herself to Kiba's chest and he smirked, a perverted giggle bubbling up in his throat. He swallowed it. "You were distracted because they haven't found Sakura-chan's murderer."

"Ooooo!" The audience was really getting into it. Strangely enough, so was Kiba. Hinata was already lost in the part, so she wasn't even Hinata anymore.

"I can't believe they killed her!" Kiba cried and turned his head dramatically. He threw an arm over his eyes and pushed Hinata away. "She was my closest friend!"

Hinata huffed. "And your lover!"

"…What?" Kiba didn't know what to make of that.

"Don't play games with me, Naruto-kun. I know you were sleeping with her!"

"Baby…How could you say that?"

A ninja leaned over to Shino. "This is getting good." Shino could only nod mindlessly. He bit his knuckle. The drama!

"You know you're my only one!" Kiba reached for Hinata's hand, but she yanked it back.

"Liar! I saw you that day at the hospital! I saw the way you held her hand when you thought she was dying of consumption!" Hinata bit her lip and hid her face in her hands. Oh, she was good alright. Consumption? It was brilliant! But Kiba could work with this, too.

"Baby, you've got it all wrong! Let me explain!"

"Why should I?"

"Because she's my sister!"

The audience gasped.

Hinata peeked through her fingers, eyes wide. "Your…?"

Kiba looked grave. "That's right. My half-sister to be exact."

"But…how is that possible? Why would you keep that a secret?"

Kiba thought for a moment and couldn't come up with a good reason. He said whatever came to mind. "Um…because her parents made me promise not to tell her she was adopted."

Hinata nodded. "It all makes so much sense now."

"Of course it does." Kiba didn't think it made much sense at all. "Now you see that you're my only one. The only one I've ever loved." He took her hand.

"Oh Naruto-kun." She leapt into his arms. They got closer…closer…it looked like they were going to kiss. They were so, so close.

But then Hinata turned her head. Kiba cursed his luck, but jumped back into character. The audience was up in arms over the lost moment.

"I think I heard someone coming."

Oh, right. They were supposed to be looking for something. "Shoot. Ino-chan, guard the door. I'm gonna check her desk."

"Right!" Hinata ran over in some random direction and peeked around an invisible door. Kiba, meanwhile, shuffled through some invisible papers on an invisible desk.

"I found it!"

"Someone's coming, Naruto-kun!" Hinata sounded truly frightened. Kiba forgot they were only acting and started to panic.

"Shit, shit! Quick! Under the bed!" He dragged Hinata by her jacket and got down on his knees. She got down beside him and he pretended to lift a ruffle covering the bottom of Tsunade's imaginary bed.

Hinata screamed.

Kiba freaked. "What? What?"

Hinata pointed at the body which was laying, 'under the bed'. "It's Sakura-chan's corpse!"

Shino was in shock. Not that anyone would notice.

"Oh, Gawd!" Kiba gasped so dramatically that it made him lightheaded. "We've really got to hide now!"

"Into the closet!" Hinata grabbed Kiba's hand and pulled him over to where the other dead body was laying. She pretended to open a door and Kiba backpedaled in surprise.

"Oh my God! It's her assistant, Shizune! Tsunade-sama must have killed her, too!"

"She's a murderer." Hinata looked sort of like she was about to cry. Or maybe she just ate something sour. "Tsunade-sama is the murderer!" Redundancy for the win!

"She's here!" Kiba screamed, pointing in the random direction that was apparently the door to the bedroom, and Akamaru jumped in, playing the part of-! Dun, dun, dun: Tsunade-sama! Hinata squealed. "Get behind me, Ino-chan! I'll protect you!" Kiba made some unnecessarily theatrical fighting movements as Akamaru barked and jumped at him. They had a tussle. He pretended to ward off a million flying kunai from Akamaru's mouth every time he barked. Hinata screamed behind him and slapped her hands over her heart.

"Naruto-kun! I've been hit!"

"Ino-chan!" Kiba spun around and helped her to the floor because, obviously, she couldn't stand anymore. She was dying, for God's sake. Kiba ducked under another set of invisible kunai as Akamaru barked. Then he turned around. "Stay put, Hina- I mean, Ino-chan! I'll take care of Tsunade-sama."

"But she's a sannin, Naruto-kun." She coughed like she was in pain. 'You can't take her down on your own."

"I can do anything, Ino-chan." Kiba stood up spectacularly, one dramatic foot at a time. "I'm Naruto, the Chosen One. And I'm in love."

"Oh, Naruto-kun…"

So, after a few more overly drawn-out taijutsu-related moments with Akamaru, and sustaining a few pretend lethal injuries, Kiba fell to his knees, panting. Akamaru played dead. Theatrically. "It's done. I've killed her…"

"You'll go to jail for that, Naruto-kun…"

"No, I won't, Ino-chan. I won't because I'm dying. I've got that disease. You know the one."

"NO!" A random ninja wailed. This was all too much!

"Of course: the disease! How could I have forgotten about your fatal death-disease" Hinata coughed again, dragging herself over to Kiba's worn-out, half-dead body. She held his hand. Kiba thought that was a very bold move for Hinata. But then again, all of this was pretty bold of Hinata. He would look into her sudden boost of confidence at a later date. Right now, he was dying. "I am dying, too, Naruto-kun. We'll die together. We'll always be together."

"I wouldn't have it…" Kiba paused for effect, pulling her face close, "Any. Other. Way." He went in for the kiss-

"CUT!"

"The _hell_!"

Shino cock-blocked him.

Hinata smiled and jumped to her feet. She pulled Kiba up beside her and made him take a bow. He was very, very upset. Their audience clapped and cheered and gave them a true standing ovation.

"That was magnificent." Shino said, wiping a tear from under his sunglasses. "I couldn't have asked for a better show. That's a print."

Kiba raised an eyebrow and was staggered to find that there had been camera's filming them the whole time. His eyes bugged.

"No one can ever see that!"

"Are you kidding? It's going to be a hit." Shino said. "Besides, I've already sent out the original shot for editing."

"How the hell could you have done that?"

"We're going to be famous, Kiba-kun!" Hinata squealed happily. The enemy ninja were all in a huddle, giggling and chatting about the show. Kiba sighed.

"You know what? Fine. I don't care. But can we please finish killing these guys so we can go home now? Is that okay with you, Shino?"

"Hm? Oh. Yes. Of course."

And that's just what they did. Team eight really bonded that day.

When they got home: Hinata and Kiba continued to ignore Shino as though nothing had ever happened. Shino continued to brood.

The film became a smash hit in the Snow Country, and a flop everywhere else (except in the Hyuuga manor, where Hiashi bragged about it constantly).

Tsunade was pissed that her part was played by a dog.

Sakura and Shizune were pissed that they were played by corpses.

Inspired, Naruto tried to get with Ino.

Ino said no.

And that's all, folks!

The end.

CRESHTO: Next Chapter: Team seven! :D Or something. We'll see how I feel…


	5. Chapter 5: Sasuke and Hiashi

CRESHTO: I was having difficulty with Team Seven. So, I told them to leave me alone for a while, and I focused on something else. Something much more important. Something much stronger and infinitely better looking than Team Seven, even if that something was previously a member of Team Seven himself… As a matter of fact, that something has the power to slaughter you with his Mighty Uchiha prowess in a very bloody and painful fashion if you don't _review this chapter_. And trust me. He will.

~Chapter Five: Sasuke (and Hiashi)~

*By (My hands smell like grape jelly! :D) Creshto*

Sasuke was seeking power again. You know, that old chestnut.

Because he needed to avenge something and blah, blah, blah. Something wronged him and yadda, yadda. "My whole family is dead", whine, complain, and gripe.

…Would it kill him to try something new? Like, I don't know, maybe he could go out and make friends with a wise-cracking chimp! _That_ would be entertainment! Or he could change it up a bit and join the Peace Core! But nope.

Anywho, where was I going with this? Oh, yes. So, Sasuke was carrying out his usual evil ministrations, when suddenly, he came to the realization that the only way he could achieve the ultimate one-up level of evil would be to reconnect with nature. The Blue Planet. Terra Firma. _Earth_.

You see, he heard in a movie once that all true power came from a person's core. And being Sasuke, he completely misunderstood the symbolism. The only core he knew of (which, by default, was the only one that existed) was in the center of the Earth. Which is big, and hot, and full of magma. Magma is powerful.

Thusly, we find that the Earth's Core plus Hot Molten Magma equals Ultimate Evil Prowess. Got it? Great. Then we're all on the same page.

Sasuke was in a coy pond.

…

Okay, so right about now, you may be asking yourself, "What in the world (pun intended) just happened? When did we get _here_?"

Welp! Here's how it all went down:

_SEVERAL HOURS EARLIER!_

"Gee. Isn't this a wonderful day to be brimming with hatred and sin? I think I'll use it (rape) to my advantage. Perhaps I'll go slaughter a small town." Sasuke contemplated the many wonderful, evil things he could do with his afternoon.

Suddenly, he stumbled on a rock. And that rock was promptly slaughtered with a brutality that was darker than Lucifer's stool sample. "No one makes Sasuke Uchiha look stupid, lest they die," Sasuke threatened the tiny smoldering pebbles. "_No one_." The pebbles quaked in fear. Or they didn't, but Sasuke pretended they did in order to boost his mega-Uchiha-ego. He smirked and continued on his way.

"Super-Taka-Sasuke-Squad, previously known as Team Taka, previously known as Team Hebi! Assemble!" Sasuke yelled, but not too loud. Being too loud might devastate his aloof ambiance.

He waited for a while, but nothing happened. "Oh, that's right. I systematically eliminated each member of Team Super-Taka-Sasuke-Squad because they were holding me back. Yes. Teams are for the weak." Sasuke was in Denial City. "I suppose I'll just go harness the power of the Earth on my own now. Off I go."

Sasuke turned around, looked out over the vast mountain on which he stood (he'd wandered there at some point whilst trying to find the food court in the mall the day before. He wasn't about to look at a directory. Sasuke Uchiha did not need a directory. He'd _meant_ to climb that mountain), and decided he would head somewhere more…leafy.

There was no ulterior purpose behind that. It had nothing to do with any obnoxious blonde idiots that he could compare his awesome skills to and use to boost his sense of self-worth. He just didn't like getting snow and stuff in his perfect hair.

So, naturally, he headed for his old village.

For training purposes. Not to destroy. This time.

And so Sasuke went!

Upon arriving, he immediately put on a disguise. He wore a sunhat.

His next move was to find the most naturally natural place possible. He looked left: concrete and buildings. He looked right: the forest. One would assume he'd head right for the forest. But he didn't. It was filthy in there. So he kept walking forward, and what did he come across? The Hyuuga manor!

It was the cleanest, most organized place in all of Earth. So, Sasuke thought, that's where he would go. Sasuke wasn't worried about trespassing laws or anything because no one could possibly defeat him. Sasuke was better than everyone.

As it turned out, no one was guarding the gates anyway. He assumed that this was because they saw him and fled in fear.

Anyway, Sasuke wound up somewhere in the garden. It looked very natural and earthy there. He took a seat and started to meditate.

Minutes later, he accomplished nothing, and he was getting quite frustrated.

He got up because, obviously, that spot wasn't earthy enough. He found a grassier spot and tried to meditate there. He attempted to become one with the earth. But, for the second time, nothing happened.

Sasuke got up and tried _again_!

The only other suitable place was by the coy pond. It was just crammed with nature: plants and fish and stuff. So, he sat by that.

He meditated.

And meditated.

And meditated…

…_And still nothing happened!_

So, aggravated down to his mighty Uchiha bones, Sasuke dove right in. If sitting _by_ it wasn't good enough, then he'd have to be _in_ it!

And here we are now.

Sasuke felt most uncomfortable. Water was soaking his clothes and hair, chafing his Uchiha thighs and being all-around _irritating_. There was a fish nibbling on his finger. He shooed it away.

With a growl, he decided to give swimming a shot. He was in there already. Might as well "do as the natives do." He started floating around. And it was nice. In fact…yes, he was liking it very much! Sasuke was feeling very connected, indeed!

He could feel it now, as he swam with his brother coy! He could feel the power flowing all around him, and-!

"_Hey_!"

Sasuke flailed and splashed and flopped to his feet. He stood and glared, ignoring the water sliding down his nose. He was met with the hard white eyes of Hiashi Hyuuga. Tsh. Sasuke knew he could take him.

"Get the hell out of my coy pond!"


	6. Chapter 6: Team Kakashi

CRESHTO: This chapter gave me so, so much trouble, and I have no idea why. I want it dead. I post it anyway because I've got nothing better to do.

This chapter is dedicated to Sonar for pointing out my epic idiocy. And for reviewing. A lot. I'm sorry if this chapter is a fail. But yah get what yah get, 'cause the fact o' the matter is, I just ain't perfect! Yeah. _Far_ from it. ;)

~Chapter…What is this? Five? Six?: Team Seven~

*By (What exactly happens when one forgets a disclaimer?) Creshto*

"So, guys. You've heard, right?"

Sakura grimaced. "Yes, Naruto. We know already. You're-"

"The Chosen One!" Naruto practically secreted sparkles and enthusiasm from his pores. He squealed and giggled and chattered like a school girl on crack because, yes, he was feeling _that_ freaking giddy. After all…he was the Chosen One.

Sai only tilted his head and smiled. "I'm surprised they let someone lacking in essential man bits be the Chosen One."

"Yes, that _is_ rather perplexing." Sakura put a finger to her chin. Naruto's grin immediately fell off his face, shriveled up, and died.

"Shut up, _Sai_!"

"I am only saying-"

"Shut-!"

"-that they should have considered-"

"Shut up!"

"-the fact that you minus a dick."

"Augh!" Naruto punched Sai very hard. Honestly! To say that he, Naruto Uzumaki, the village's self-proclaimed bad-ass, was anything less than awesome was completely ludicrous! Right? Because Naruto was entirely worthy of being the savior of the human race as we know it! Just like Jesus! Except a super-ass-kicking-ninja Jesus! Right? "Right, Sakura?" Right? He craved her reassurance.

Sakura gave him a blank stare. "…What?"

"Tell me I'm right!"

"Right about what? You didn't say anything." Sakura was befuddled.

"Oh my Gawd!" Naruto dragged his nails down his face in anguish. "Sakura-chan is right! I'm not good enough! I can't do it! I'm not good enough to be the Chosen One!"

Sai pulled out a bag of carrot sticks and started munching contently as he watched his first and only male friend mentally break down. It was good stuff. Even he, a socially and emotionally crippled shell of a human being, knew good entertainment when he saw it. He held up a carrot. "Vegetable?"

Sakura shooed it away. "No thanks. Baby carrots irk me."

"Okay." Sai didn't want to share with her anyway. She was much too female for his liking.

Naruto was in _agony_. "Why the hell did they choose me, of all people? It isn't fair!"

"Just two seconds ago you were bragging non-stop about how wonderful it was," Sakura commented.

"I was brainwashed! Blinded by the limelight and my legions of fans!"

"What fans are he referring to?" She asked. Sai shrugged.

"I was too distracted to consider the actual responsibility! I don't have the power to be Jesus, dattebayo!"

Sai and Sakura simultaneously raised an eyebrow. When exactly did anyone compare Naruto to the central figure in Christianity? Well, actually, now that they thought about it…yes, Naruto was exactly like Jesus. In fact, maybe he WAS Jesus. Hmm…

"I'm going to flatten under all of this pressure!" Naruto froze and stroked his invisible beard. He was having one of those things…a revelation! "I know! I'll just pawn the job off on someone else! Sai, how would you like to be the Chosen One?"

"I don't think you have the authority (penis) to do pawn your job off on other people…(penis)."

"I don't think you have the authority to be so pale!" Naruto countered in a frenzy. "Seriously, dude! Get a tan!"

Sai wondered if he should feel insulted.

"Naruto, your lack of faith in yourself is disturbing me. So stop being an idiot!" Sakura punched him in the head. He lurched forward and held his poor, throbbing skull. "Really, this just isn't like you. You're usually so annoyingly confident in yourself."

"Perhaps he is on his period," Sai pondered. "That often makes _you_ emotional and psychotic, Sak-" Unfortunately for Sai, he was unable to complete that statement due to the fact that he was launched into orbit. Maybe he'll return later.

"Look, Naruto, I realize that this is a lot for one person to carry on their shoulders, but it can't be that bad. You're always saying that you're going to be Hokage someday. Think of this as a step closer to that goal."

"But people are gonna want me to save them and stuff! I don't have the kind of power to decide who lives and dies! My dad did though! Did you know he was the fourth Hokage? That's probably why I'm the Chosen One! Because he was so awesome, now I'm expected to be awesome, too! You wouldn't understand, dattebayo!"

Sakura watched and pulled a face as he curled into a fetal position and started rocking back and forth. Then, she decided she didn't need this. "Aw, hell nah. I don't need this. I've got more important things to do. Let me know when you're done sulking, okay, Naruto?" Sakura waved flippantly over her shoulder and walked away. She was off to stalk Sasuke, who was recently incarcerated for trespassing and for wrongly impersonating a koi fish.

All the while, Naruto was in a state of profound despair.

"What if I fail? I'll be the laughing stock of the universe!"

Then suddenly, in a cloud of smoke, Jesus appeared!

_No, nix that. I have no right to write about Jesus all willy-nilly. People would get offended. So, instead…uh…let's make that Konohamaru. Yes. I have no problem controlling Konohamaru's fate. I might even make him do a little dance._

Then suddenly, in a cloud of smoke, Konohamaru appeared. And he started doing a little dance!

"Hey boss! How do you like this jig I've been working on? I'm thinkin' about callin' it 'The Konohamaru Double-Step!'"

Konohamaru stopped doing the very awesome Konohamaru Double-Step upon noticing the embarrassingly rumpled state of his idol. "What's wrong?"

"I'm the Chosen One, Konohamaru!" Naruto wailed.

Konohamaru crossed his arms. "Yeah, I know! Everyone knows! It's hard to forget with you constantly remindin' us."

"But…what if I'm not good enough to be the Chosen One?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Sakura told me so."

Konohamaru guffawed. "So? Sakura's a girl! Everything girls say means the opposite." Naruto looked up and blinked.

"Hey. You're right… I guess I'm awesome after all!"

"Yeah!" Konohamaru broke into dance again. Naruto joined him because he was so absurdly happy. And together they did The Konohamaru Double-Step until their little hearts filled to the brim with Hot Chocolate, happiness, smiles, and Butterflies! It was truly magical.

Then Sai's flaming corpse came careening out of orbit, and landed in the woman's bathhouse. They angrily beat him back to life, and everyone lived happily ever after.

The End!

CRESHTO: So much trouble this chapter caused me! Can you see? Can you tell that I tried to murder it via the mutilation of the English language? Can you? AUGHH! :3 This chapter brought to you by the letter B!


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